I’ve embarrassed myself enough already this preseason by trying to predict the Packers 53-man roster. Why not keep the embarrassment going by predicting how each and every Packers game will turn out this season?
A lot of this is tongue-in-cheek, so don’t take my predictions too seriously. But my overall prediction is dead serious: The Packers will finish 12-4 and lose to New England in the Super Bowl.*
*I reserve the right to change my prediction whenever I want without repercussions and any loss of credibility.
Packers 27, 49ers 23
Aaron Rodgers threw for 312 yards and three touchdowns despite getting sacked three times to lead the Green Bay Packers to a 27-23 win over the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.
Packers 24, Bears 18
Jay Cutler needed three boxes of tissues on Thursday night instead of the usual two after throwing four interceptions in the Packers 24-18 win over the Bears at Lambeau Field.
Seahawks 30, Packers 26
Matt Flynn torched his former team for 275 yards and three touchdowns in his first start since taking over for struggling rookie Russell Wilson, leading the Seahawks to a 30-26 upset victory over the Packers.
Packers 33, Saints 24
In an effort to get a contract extension worth at least twice Drew Brees’ new salary, Aaron Rodgers threw for 401 yards and four touchdowns to lead the Packers to a 33-24 win over the Saints on Sunday. A group of rowdy Packers fans celebrating something called Throwback Weekend were ejected from the stadium in the fourth quarter after drunkenly streaking across the field. After the group was released on bail, they returned to Lambeau Field and tried to steal all the cheese curds from the stadium.
Packers 41, Colts 10
Aaron Rodgers threw for 428 yards and five touchdowns, Green Bay’s defense battered rookie Andrew Luck, and the Packers beat the Colts 41-10 on Sunday.
Texans 27, Packers 20
Arian Foster rolled over the Packers for 187 yards and the Texans defense intercepted Aaron Rodgers twice as Houston beat Green Bay 27-20 on Sunday night.
Packers 32, Rams 20
Cedric Benson lost two fumbles early, but it didn’t matter as James Starks returned from an injured toe and ran for 103 yards and two touchdowns in the Packers 32-20 win over the Rams on Sunday.
Packers beat Jacksonville via forfeit
“The hell with it. What’s the point? Why waste everyone’s time? We weren’t going to win, anyway.” That’s what Jaguars coach Mike Mularkey said when contacted by ALLGBP.com and asked why his team never arrived in Green Bay and chose to forfeit Sunday’s game.
Packers beat Arizona via forfeit
“Ok, this is getting a little ridiculous,” said Packers coach Mike McCarthy when informed that the Cardinals no-showed on Sunday, giving the Packers their second straight win via forfeit. “Will these teams start showing up if we spot them a 14-point lead or something?”
Lions 37, Packers 31
Shaun Hill, in for the injured Matthew Stafford, threw for 374 yards and three touchdowns as the Lions shocked the Packers 37-31 on Sunday.
Packers 28, Giants 24
Charles Woodson had two interceptions in the second half to seal a 28-24 Packers win over the Giants on Sunday night.
Packers 42, Vikings 24
In order to get the Vikings to show up to the game and not forfeit, the Packers spotted Minnesota 24 points, but it didn’t matter as Green Bay cruised to a 42-27 victory, anyway.
Packers 31, Lions 30
After a Ndomukong Suh roughing the passer personal foul kept a late drive alive, Greg Jennings caught the winning touchdown with 10 seconds left to carry the Packers to a 31-30 win over the Lions on Sunday night.
Bears 27, Packers 10
Every now and then the Packers travel to Chicago and take a giant dump in the middle of Soldier Field. That’s what happened Sunday in the Bears’ 27-10 win over Green Bay, narrowing the Packers’ lead in the NFC North to just one game.
Packers 24, Titans 17
Thanks to two sacks and a Clay Matthews interception returned for a touchdown, the Packers beat the Titans 24-17 and moved one step closer toward winning the NFC North and securing a first-round bye in the playoffs.
Packers 30, Vikings 16
Aaron Rodgers passed for three touchdowns as the Packers clinched the NFC North and a first-round bye with a 30-16 win over the Vikings. After the game, Vikings fans submitted a petition to Minnesota governor Mark Dayton demanding that all funding for the new Vikings’ stadium be rescinded since their team is so horrible.
Packers 31, Saints 27
Aaron Rodgers connected with Jordy Nelson on a 15-yard touchdown late in the fourth quarter as the Packers rallied from an early 17-point deficit to beat the Saints 31-27 in the NFC divisional playoffs.
Packers 23, Bears 17
Jay Cutler’s last-second pass to Brandon Marshall in the end zone was swatted away by Tramon Williams as the Packers held on to beat the Bears 23-17 in the NFC Championship, securing their second trip to the Super Bowl in three seasons.
Patriots 35, Packers 24
Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots’ weapons on offense were too much for the Packers to overcome as New England returned to the top by beating the Packers 35-24 in Super Bowl XLVII.