Category Archives: Humor

5

June

VIDEO: Stuff Packers Fans Say

So it’s June. We are halfway through the NFL offseason and fans are bored out of their skulls.

Out of said boredom, it seems like Packers fans are punchier than ever. So rather than make another post about a player or a position and have everyone suffer through endless debate in the comments section, I’ve decided to post a video that should get a chuckle out of everyone. It’s a little old but overall still relevant.

After all, if we can’t laugh at ourselves who can we laugh at?

Enjoy.

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Kris Burke is a sports writer covering the Green Bay Packers for AllGreenBayPackers.com and WTMJ in Milwaukee. He is a member of the Pro Football Writers of America (PFWA) and his work has been linked to by sites such as National Football Post and CBSSports.com. Follow @KrisLBurke

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14

March

Channeling Fire Joe Morgan about Packers GM Ted Thompson and NFL Free Agency

I decided to go all Fire Joe Morgan on this piece written by Frank Schwab at Yahoo Sports about Packers GM Ted Thompson and NFL free agency. Enjoy.

In 2006, Packers general manager Ted Thompson signed cornerback Charles Woodson in free agency, and it was one of the best moves he ever made.

Ok. A good start to this post. I agree with that statement.

You’d think that experience would give Ted Thompson the warm and fuzzies about free agency and he’d spend his time chasing the next Woodson. Instead, Thompson might be off on vacation this week. Wherever he has been, he hasn’t been signing any players.

Starting to go off the rails a bit now. Thompson didn’t “chase” Woodson. He signed him well after free agency opened. I think part of the reason Thompson doesn’t dive into the opening frenzy of free agency is because it is a “chase.” Chasing to fill this roster hole or plug that weak area. Chasing a big-name veteran who fans are familiar with. Chasing the notion that you have to “DO SOMETHING!!!!” to get better like the other teams around you. Those types of chases are from guaranteed to pay off. Oh, and the “Ted Thompson goes on vacation” thing became an eye-rolling cliche three years ago.

Green Bay didn’t sign one player, outside of retaining his (sic) own free agents, in the first three days of free agency.

Gasp!

It’s not like they don’t have needs. A stud left tackle would have been great, allowing David Bakhtiari to move inside to guard. Any of the top centers would have worked. A pass rusher would be swell. They could have spent on a big-time safety, and it’s not like Antoine Bethea, T.J. Ward, Donte Whitner or guys like that got a ridiculous amount of money.

Sign a stud left tackle and move a promising, young and inexpensive left tackle to guard when you already have one pro bowl guard and another guard coming off his best season (and Bryan Bulaga coming back from injury)? Was there a “stud left tackle” on the free-agent market this year? I didn’t see one. Stud left tackles, like stud QBs, typically don’t make it to free agency. If the Packers re-sign Evan Dietrich-Smith, that’ll meet the “any of the top centers” criteria. Yes, a pass rusher would be swell. Let’s see what the remaining days of free agency bring (yes, free agency lasts more than a couple days). Finally, none of the safeties Schwab lists are “big time.”

1

October

If the Packers are Shut Down like the Government, Who is Essential and Who is Non-Essential?

Mike McCarthy is not happy about being classified as non-essential.

For the first nine years of my professional life, I was “non-essential.”

Non-essential was never really defined. I worked hard. Went above and beyond. Got plenty of accolades. Was told my work was very important by everyone I interacted with. Got a paycheck once every two weeks.

But when push came to shove, I was categorized as non-essential.

Yes, I worked for the federal government. And whenever our wonderful elected officials couldn’t agree on a budget, a government shutdown was threatened. That’ when we found out which civil servants were essential and which were non-essential.

The essential people were designated to work through the shut down. I guess their jobs were considered really important, or something.

The non-essential people were sent home until the politicians figured out a budget. We were non-essential, so whatever, right?

I no longer work for the government, so I’m spared the humiliation of being labeled non-essential as our government shuts down today. All of you non-essentials out there reading this right now, I feel for you. You are all essential in my view. Don’t let the haters bring you down.

The shutdown got me thinking: If the Packers got shutdown like the federal government, who would be essential and who would be non-essential?

These are the things I think about. Welcome to my brain.

Aaron Rodgers
Definitely essential. He’s the best player on the team and plays the most important position. The Packers couldn’t function without him.

Mike McCarthy
Sorry, Mike, but you’re non-essential. Aaron Rodgers can call the plays and I don’t even think you can name five defensive players on your own team.

Evan Dietrich-Smith
Essential. Someone has to snap the ball to Rodgers.

Brett Goode
Non-essential. The Packers will never punt or kick field goals. Just score touchdowns. No need for a long-snapper, punter or kicker. Goode will be furloughed and play his guitar in Green Bay coffee shops until the shut down is over.

Clay Matthews
Can we furlough Matthews’ hamstring and keep the rest of his body?

Eddie Lacy
All running backs are non-essential. The Packers proved that in 2010.

Tramon Williams
He’s non-essential, but since Williams hasn’t shut down an opposing WR since 2010, he doesn’t know what the term means and hangs around anyway.

16

March

Exclusive Ted Thompson Interview: “I Hate the Packers and Their Fans”

Ted Thompson

Packers GM Ted Thompson reveals his sinister truth in an exclusive interview.

We’re pretty excited here at Jersey Al’s AllGreenBayPackers.com today. Not only is the excitement of free agency in full swing, but we also managed to secure an exclusive interview with Packers GM Ted Thompson. In a shocking turn of events, he completely opened up about his free agency strategies, as well as revealed a truth we’ve never heard before.

We hope you enjoy reading it . . .

AllGreenBayPackers.com: Good afternoon. The start of free agency kicked off this week with teams scrambling to make deals and update their rosters. How busy have the Green Bay offices been these past few days?

Ted Thompson: You know, our philosophy with free agency has always been a “wait and see” approach. There’s no point in making crazy 24-hour or 48-hour offers, because then you just end up overpaying for guys. In fact, most of our front office staff is given time off this week, so it’s just me and a couple other guys in there right now.

ALLGBP: Wow. How do you manage everything so short-handed?

Thompson: Oh, it’s pretty easy, really. I take these days to sleep in and recuperate from our recent scouting travels. We don’t even open the offices until noon. My usual routine when I get there is to have some lunch, read the funny papers, and check Twitter for any updates on free agency. Pro Football Focus also has this really neat utility that tracks all the free agents – we love using it here.

ALLGBP: Umm, ok . . . So I’m guessing you’ve seen the news about Steven Jackson being signed by the Atlanta Falcons?

Thompson: He did? Well, I guess I must have missed that one.

ALLGBP: Weren’t the Packers interested in Jackson?

Thompson: We’re interested in keeping every free agent. Oh wait . . . I meant we’re interested in keeping all of our own players. But yes, I think we did put something out there about Steven Jackson. His agent Eugene Parker is such a close contact of ours, we wanted to do him a favor and drive up the price on Jackson. Plus, I hate the Packers and their fans. I love getting their hopes up on finally getting a running game, then crushing it to bits.

27

November

How to Forget About the Packers Losing to the Giants (Hint: It Involves Beer)

Packers and Beer.

Packers and Beer.

The Packers got destroyed on Sunday night. It really wasn’t much of a game from about the middle of the second quarter on.

I’m not used to the Packers getting blown out, so I didn’t know how to react. My mind started wandering in the second half.

Instead of panicking or trying to figure out why my favorite football team just laid an egg on national TV, I started thinking about which Packers players reminded me of certain types of beer.

I like beer. I like the Packers. Thinking about beer and the Packers is a lot more fun than being depressed about the Packers losing to the Giants.

Here are my random thoughts on which Packers (and some non-Packers) remind me of certain types of beer. If you also want to take your mind off of Sunday night, use the comments section to chime in with some of your own comparisons.

Packers & Beer
Ryan Pickett: Darkness. Heavy and strong. Overwhelming if you’re not ready for it.

Tramon Williams: Grain Belt Nordeast. Punches the clock and comes ready to work every day.

Mike Neal: Michelob Golden Draft Light. Careful, the bottle breaks easily.

Donald Driver: Leinenkugel’s Honey Weiss. There are better options, but it remains a Wisconsin favorite.

Clay Matthews: Size 7 IPA. A little undersized, but brings it every time you pour one.

Jermichael Finley: Ten Cent Strohs. Whenever Finley drops a pass or says something stupid, fans pound ten cent Stroh’s and this happens.

Casey Hayward: Divine Oculust. Under-the-radar, but very good and gaining popularity.

A.J. Hawk: Coors Light. Great when you were in college…

Aaron Rodgers: Abbrassive Ale. Simply amazing. Usually the best.

James Jones: Miller High Life. People are always trying to trade it for something better.

Randall Cobb: Small Axe Golden Ale. Tasty, easy-to-consume, and room to get even better.

B.J.Raji: Bad Elf. Expensive. Disappears sometimes. Hard to find. REALLY good when it bothers to show up in your fridge.

Mike McCarthy: Spotted Cow. On the surface, appears to be just another light beer. Then you take a sip and realize there’s more to it.

Mason Crosby: Grandpa’€™s Moonshine. Careful around this stuff. One sip can destroy everything.

3

September

2012 Green Bay Packers: Season Predictions

Green Bay Packers 2012 Season Predictions

Aaron Rodgers and crew will return to the Super Bowl in 2013.

I’ve embarrassed myself enough already this preseason by trying to predict the Packers 53-man roster. Why not keep the embarrassment going by predicting how each and every Packers game will turn out this season?

A lot of this is tongue-in-cheek, so don’t take my predictions too seriously. But my overall prediction is dead serious: The Packers will finish 12-4 and lose to New England in the Super Bowl.*

*I reserve the right to change my prediction whenever I want without repercussions and any loss of credibility.

Packers 27, 49ers 23
Aaron Rodgers threw for 312 yards and three touchdowns despite getting sacked three times to lead the Green Bay Packers to a 27-23 win over the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday.

Packers 24, Bears 18
Jay Cutler needed three boxes of tissues on Thursday night instead of the usual two after throwing four interceptions in the Packers 24-18 win over the Bears at Lambeau Field.

Seahawks 30, Packers 26
Matt Flynn torched his former team for 275 yards and three touchdowns in his first start since taking over for struggling rookie Russell Wilson, leading the Seahawks to a 30-26 upset victory over the Packers.

Packers 33, Saints 24
In an effort to get a contract extension worth at least twice Drew Brees’ new salary, Aaron Rodgers threw for 401 yards and four touchdowns to lead the Packers to a 33-24 win over the Saints on Sunday. A group of rowdy Packers fans celebrating something called Throwback Weekend were ejected from the stadium in the fourth quarter after drunkenly streaking across the field. After the group was released on bail, they returned to Lambeau Field and tried to steal all the cheese curds from the stadium.

Packers 41, Colts 10
Aaron Rodgers threw for 428 yards and five touchdowns, Green Bay’s defense battered rookie Andrew Luck, and the Packers beat the Colts 41-10 on Sunday.

Texans 27, Packers 20
Arian Foster rolled over the Packers for 187 yards and the Texans defense intercepted Aaron Rodgers twice as Houston beat Green Bay 27-20 on Sunday night.

Packers 32, Rams 20
Cedric Benson lost two fumbles early, but it didn’t matter as James Starks returned from an injured toe and ran for 103 yards and two touchdowns in the Packers 32-20 win over the Rams on Sunday.

5

June

If I Could Force a Recall of Things I Don’t Like About the NFL…

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker (center) with president Obama and Green Bay mayor xxxxxx.

Many Packers fans in Wisconsin are probably heading to the polls today to vote in the Scott Walker recall election. In case you are unaware of the recall and why it’s happening because the only thing you read is ALLGBP.com, Walker is being recalled because he took away collective bargaining rights for most public employees in Wisconsin.

In New York, mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to ban the sale of sugary drinks that are larger than 16 ounces. The mayor’s idea has a lot of people up in arms and complaining about America becoming a “nanny state” with a government that invades our personal lives.

On the federal level, unless the Supreme Court says otherwise, all of us likely will be mandated to purchase health insurance thanks to president Obama’s healthcare law. That’s got a lot of people all worked up.

The last thing I want to do in this space is start a debate about the merits of allowing public employees to collectively bargain. I definitely don’t want to pontificate about how our ability to buy a 64-ounce Mountain Dew impacts our freedoms. And I for sure don’t want to ignite a health care debate.

Instead, I want to talk about football.

What if I became NFL commissioner and started coming up with rules and laws like Walker, Bloomberg and Obama? If I had the power to legislate against things I don’t like about the NFL, here’s what I would do.

  • Only rich people or super fans attend games these days. I don’t think that’s healthy for the game long-term. It’s important that casual fans who might not be worth six figures are able to attend a game every now and then. Therefore, I would mandate that teams sell 5,000 tickets to each game at $10 apiece. I wouldn’t mandate where these seats should be located. They can be in the nosebleeds. But if a middle-class family of four is able to take in a game for $40 once per season, I think the game’s popularity will be maintained well into the future. The purpose of this is law would not be to try and somehow legislate fairness. I truly believe that the game’s high prices will eventually disenfranchise the casual fan and the $10 seats would be one way to prevent that.