I hate the Seahawks. Pete Carroll is annoying. I’m sick of hearing about how loud their stupid stadium is. Russel Wilson is a terrible actor in bad commercials. Half the team is jacked up on PEDs. I can never figure out what Richard Sherman is yelling about.
I hope the Packers beat the Seahawks on Thursday by 12 touchdowns. Then I hope they build a giant bonfire at midfield, burn every last piece footage from the Fail Mary, and dance around the flames singing “Bang the Drum all Day” until dawn.
Unfortunately, none of that will likely happen, but the Packers can most definitely beat the Seachickens. Here are five reasons why:
Well, duh. The Packers will have the best player on the field Thursday in Aaron Rodgers. As an added bonus, Rodgers is back with something to prove after missing half of last season. QB1 seemed edgier during training camp. I wonder if he’s exiting the phase of his career where he’s a young guy establishing himself as a great player and entering the phase where he knows he’s a great player, expects greatness out of others, and is desperate to win now because who knows how long that greatness might last? I’m looking forward to a grouchier Aaron Rodgers in 2014.
Big phat Eddie Lacy makes an old-school football loving guy like me giggle uncontrollably. The way he sets up blocks, his patience and vision, his explosiveness once he decides where to go, trucking smaller defenders, refusing to go down when tacklers pile on him, a slick spin move — all of it reminds me of football before the rulebook was re-written to encourage 60 passes per game. The yards won’t come easy against Seattle’s defense, but Lacy needs the ball early if the Packers want to win. When Mike McCarthy ignored the run until the second half against Seattle in 2012, the results were disastrous.
Speaking of the rulebook being re-written to encourage 60 passes per game, supposedly refs will be flagging any and all downfield contact on receivers. In the exhibition season, illegal contact calls were up 450 percent and defensive holding was up 353 percent compared to last season. We all know the Seahawks are a bunch of cheaters. If enforcement of downfield contact carries over into the regular season, it should help the Packers receivers against the physical (and cheating) Seahawks secondary.
Casey Hayward is back
Remember Casey Hayward? He’s the guy who picked off six passes and almost won defensive rookie of the year in 2012 before missing most of the next season with a bum hamstring. He’s back now, and he looked damn good in exhibition games. If the Packers training staff tapes up his hamstring nice and tight, Hayward’s addition to the defense will help slow down the likes of Percy Harvin and contain Russell Wilson.
Jordy Effing Nelson
To beat the Seahawks, you need receivers who aren’t fazed by their defensive backs’ devious grabbing, holding and pushing ways. Jordy Effing Nelson isn’t fazed by any of that. Jordy’s not open? No problem, Rodgers will just whip a pass by some defender’s earhole and Jordy will catch it. Jordy is out of room on the sideline? No worries, Rodgers will just fire a laser 3 yards out of bounds and Jordy will stretch to catch it with both feet in. A defender is on top of Jordy after a quick pass? Sheeeeeeeeit, the Jordy stiff arm will knock him to the ground in an instant.
Jordy. Effing. Nelson.