Surviving Sunday: Packers News, Notes and Links for the Football Deprived

Surviving Sundays with no Packers Football
Surviving Sundays with no Packers Football
Surviving Sundays with no Packers football

In a chat with ESPN’s Rob Demovsky this week, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers talked about getting together with Brett Favre and Bart Starr to talk football at some type of event.

Since we’re always one step ahead of ESPN here at ALLGBP.com, we’ve learned that Rodgers, Favre and Starr actually did get together last week. However, it wasn’t to talk about any old event, it was to plan Favre’s return to Lambeau Field at halftime of the Nov. 9 game against the Bears.

The trio met at Chico’s near tiny Ringle, Wisconsin. Chico’s is a bar/restaurant in the middle of a corn field that serves amazing chimichangas.

ALLGBP.com has obtained an exclusive transcript of this historical meeting. Here it is:

Starr and Favre arrive at the same time, Starr in his 1996 Buick and Favre on his riding lawn mower. They shake hands, walk across the gravel parking lot, enter Chico’s, and find a quiet table near the bar.

Starr: I almost didn’t recognize you with that giant beard and those two guns you’re carrying around.

Starr grips Favre’s biceps, which are exposed because Favre can’t find any shirts with sleeves in Mississippi that fit over his arms.

Favre: Thanks, Bart. I’m coming back to Lambeau this year and I need to be in good shape so I can fight all the fans.

Starr: Oh Brett. C’mon. No fans are going to try and fight you. They’ll be glad to have you back.

Favre: It’s all part of my plan to not get booed.

Starr: Your plan?

Favre: I don’t want to get booed, Bart. I need to be loved. To ensure Packers fans won’t boo me, I’m going to challenge them all to a fight.

Starr: Oh fer chirssakes…..

Favre: Yeah, before I even make it out of the tunnel, I’m going to get on the mic, tell everyone in the stadium that their mother is a Vikings fan, and dare them all to come out to the 50 yard line and fight me to the death.

Starr: So you’re going to have a death match with 80,000 Packers fans at Lambeau Field?

Favre: Goddang right. And I’m going to go undefeated, 80,000 – 0. Have you seen these things?

Favre kisses his biceps and does a Hulk Hogan pose.

Starr: At least 79,999 people will forfeit because they’re scared of your creepy old man beard.

Aaron Rodgers finally arrives. He walks through the door texting with girlfriend Olivia Munn and sits down without bothering to look up.

Favre: Oh, look who decided to show up.

Starr: Son, no cell phones allowed at this Table of Greatness.

Rodgers doesn’t hear any of this because he’s still texting Olivia and giggling the way people giggle when they’re madly and annoyingly in love. Favre takes Rodgers’ phone and stuffs it into his beard.

Rodgers: Hey, a-hole! Gimme my phone back!

Favre: Get it yourself, Aaron.

Favre mockingly sticks out his chin and invites Rodgers to reach into his beard and grab his phone.

Rodgers: I’m not sticking my hand in that thing. I have no idea where that beard has been or what else you’ve stuffed in there.

Starr: Both of you shut up. Let’s get down to business. We’re here to figure out what we’re doing for Favre’s welcome back to Lambeau ceremony.

Favre: I already told you, I’m fighting all the fans before they can boo me.

Rodgers: No you’re not. Then there won’t be any fans left to cheer me on as I lead the Packers to another victory. Because unlike you two has-beens, I still play in the NFL and provide the people of Green Bay with football victories every Sunday.

Favre: Lately I’ve been seeing more TV commercials from you than victories, Rodgers.

Starr:  Yeah, and tabloid photos of you and Olivia sucking face, but kudos to you for at least keeping your hands in an appropriate position.

Rodgers: Both of you shut up! I’d like to see you two geezers try and win a Super Bowl with M.D. Jennings, Erik Walden and the corpse of B.J. Raji playing defense.

Favre: So you’re saying you want me to make a comeback?

Starr slams his head on the table in frustration.

Rodgers: I ran you out of town once and I would have no problem doing it again now that you look like a jacked-up hick Santa Claus.

The waitress comes over to take food orders.

Favre: I’ll have the chimichanga.

Starr: Same here.

Rodgers: Could I get a tofu salad with organic lettuce, a non-GMO, free-range, sustainably-raised grilled chicken breast and a side of steamed broccoli? Oh, and can you also bring me a pile of freshly picked vegetables and fruits so I can use my own juicer to make myself a tasty beverage?

Favre: What the hell is wrong with you?

Starr: Get the chimmi instead of all that crap. C’mon Rodgers, be a man for a change!

Rodgers: Unlike when you two played back in the 1920s, today’s NFL players eat right and take care of their bodies.

Favre: How’d all that eating right and taking care of your body work out for your collar bone last year?

Starr: Back in my day, we’d pound a couple of Leinenkugel’s and eat a steak dinner at halftime. Then we’d go back out there, play with a concussion and six broken ribs, and win games like the Ice Bowl and the first two Super Bowls.

Favre: Yeah, I played with a broken thumb and they once had to amputate my ankle at halftime. Never missed a snap. Broken collar bone. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiit.

Rodgers: That’s it, I’m leaving! I don’t have to put up with this abuse. Besides, I already have my own Welcome Back Favre ceremony planned. It involves a famous Favre (s)text message, the Lambeau jumbotron and a highlight package I spliced together called “No. 4’s greatest interceptions of all time that broke the hearts of Packers fans everywhere.”

Suddenly the juke box starts playing “Bad to the Bone.” All eyes in the bar turn toward a tall, slender, silver-haired man who just walked through the door.

Starr: Oh. My. God. THAT’S TED THOMPSON’S MUSIC!!!!!!

Ted Thompson: Hello, fellas.

Favre: You here to run me out of Ringle like you ran me out of Green Bay, Thompson?

Rodgers: What are you doing here, Ted? Go sign some free agents to help our sorry defense and cover up for your terrible draft choices.

Thompson: I can see this might take a while. I better order myself a strong drink.

Thompson orders a 20 oz. bottle of water instead of the usual 16 oz.

Thompson: I’m sick of you three bickering. Favre is coming back to Lambeau this year whether you all like it or not.

Favre: Of course I am. And I’m going to fight all the fans. Should I tell you my plan?

Thompson: The only thing you’ll be fighting is tears because every fan in the stadium is going to be cheering like crazy when we’re done.

Rodgers: Yeah, they’ll be cheering for me because I’ll be leading the Packers to another Super Bowl. And I’m on TV. And I have my own radio show to, you know, to connect with the fans and stuff.

Starr: Back in my day, we listened to music on the radio, not prima donna quarterbacks.

Thompson: Here’s the plan: Everyone loves you, Bart, because you’re old and fans in Green Bay value the Ice Bowl victory more than our country’s victory in World War II. So you’ll go out first.

Starr: Ah, the Ice Bowl. It was so cold that day that you could literally see your breath —

Thompson cuts off Starr before he can tell the same story for the 1,000th time.

Thompson: Next, Rodgers will come out.

Rodgers: Fans will be happy to see me because we’ll be beating the Bears 107-8 and I’ll have 13 touchdowns.

Thompson: Finally, you’ll come out of the tunnel, Brett. There will be a few boos. I won’t lie to you, there’s plenty of people that still hate you.

Favre: Yeah, so I’m going to fight them. All of them. To the death. They can’t boo me once they’ve been flattened by these cannons.

Favre gets up, ties some tassels around his biceps, paints his face, and starts running around the bar like the Ultimate Warrior.

Thompson: No, Brett. You’re not going to fight the fans. You’re going to buy them a beer.

Favre: Buy them a beer?

Thompson: Yup. From the 50 yard line, you’re going to pull out your wallet and buy everyone in the stadium a beer. Because even though there may be some hard feelings and ill-will, buying someone a beer helps to officially bury the hatchet and make things ok again.

Rodgers: Instead of a beer, can mine be a protein shake?

Thompson: Shut up, Rodgers. After everyone has their beer in hand, we’ll ask them to raise their glasses and toast No. 4 for all the memories — the good ones, the great ones and all the memories in-between.

All four men are now sobbing uncontrollably. Favre and Rodgers embrace. Thompson and Favre shake hands and apologize for all the hard feelings. Starr lets all three wear his Super Bowl I and II rings. Finally, all four interlock in a somewhat awkward, but still moving, two-minute long group hug.

Thompson: Oh, but make sure the beer you buy everyone is a Spotted Cow. If you buy them some crappy light beer, they’ll probably start booing you again.

Favre: Noted. Thanks guys. I love you.

Rodgers: I love you too, Brett.

Thompson: I love you too, No. 4.

Starr: I love you also, Favre. Did I ever tell you guys about how cold it was at the Ice Bowl? It was so cold………

Packers News, Notes and Links

  • Should we be worried that first-round pick Ha Ha Clinton-Dix wasn’t running with the No. 1 defense during minicamp? I don’t know. I supposed you’d like your first-round pick to swoop in and entrench himself as a starter right away, but the Packers haven’t even put on pads yet. If running with the No. 1 D during offseason workouts helps Micah Hyde learn the safety position quicker, then I’m good with it. I’m not ready to pass judgment on Clinton-Dix yet.
  • Is anyone else getting the sense that Scott Tolzien may have the upper hand over Matt Flynn for the Packers backup QB job? I’m not reading into any quotes and I definitely don’t have any inside info, but I just have a feeling that Tolzein is going to win the job. His arm strength surprised me last season and with a full year under his belt learning the offense, this might be Tolzien’s big chance.
  • Unlike the nonsense I wrote to start this post, John Rehor writes a serious piece about Rodgers, Favre and Starr connecting for a meeting over at Packerstalk.com.
  • Michelle at Bleacher Report counts down the Packers biggest offseason question marks. All of her question marks are valid, but to me, the biggest question remains “Can this team stay healthy for a change?”
  • I”ve enjoyed the “(insert number) of days to football” series over at Lombardi Ave. This week, they profiled No. 72 Dick “the Bruiser” Afflis. I also profiled Dick the Bruiser for ALLGBP.com a couple of years ago.
  • I love Eddie Lacy’s attitude. “I’ll run the ball as if it’s my last play,” he says. Man, I can’t wait for football to start and Lacy to start trucking guys.

Non Packers links and other Nonsense

  • I hate soccer. But you know what I hate more? People like this who also hate soccer, but feel the need to lecture everyone else about how they should also hate soccer; all while using tired, cliched, dated anti-soccer rhetoric that annoyingly tries to draw parallels between soccer and where we’re at as a society.
  • Not sure how I missed this when it was first published, but make sure you read this story on a rookie New York City firefighter.
  • Hopefully no Packers first-round picks never have this reaction after being drafted.
  • If any of you reading this live in the Twin Cities and are looking for something to do today, come to the Minnesota Food Truck Fair in Uptown Minneapolis, come say hi to me at the Corn Growers tent, and I’ll give you some free “a-maize-ing” corn ice cream.
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Adam Czech is a freelance reporter and a Packers fan living in the Twin Cities. Follow Adam on Twitter. Read more of Adam\\\'s writing on the Packers here.

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  • BradHTX

    Good stuff, Adam! Favre stuffing Rodgers’ phone into his beard is classic. Keep it up, love your sense of humor.

    But c’mon, man, where did it go with the critique of the Ann Coulter piece? It’s called SATIRE, my friend. “If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.” That’s clever stuff, right there. And so true.

    Wake me up when the World Cup is over so we can get back to the REAL sports — the kind with 300 pound behemoths locked in mortal combat. By which of course I mean football, not sumo wrestling. It ain’t a sport if you’re wearing a diaper when you play.

    • marpag

      World Cup rocks, dude. Like March Madness, except with the feet. :)

      (And yes, I’m serious.)

      • BradHTX

        Hey Marpag, don’t get me wrong — I’m following the World Cup, but more out of interest and national pride than actual fan-ness. Any sport whose final score is most typically 1-0 will never become a true obsession in the US, where we get (to quote Bob and Brian) what we want, when we want it, and most importantly, a lot of it!

        But my point is, Coulter’s column and my comments about soccer are satirical, based on all the cliched things you can say about soccer: it’s boring to watch, nobody scores, the players are bad actors when they’re injured, blah blah blah. Same as joking about baseball taking forever between the action, and so on. It’s low-hanging fruit for comedy, and it’s just funny.

        And this is, after all, a site dedicated to the REAL football, right? *smirk*

        • marpag

          I agree that Coulter’s piece was obviously and self-evidently intended to be satire. But here’s an honest question for you. Do you like hockey? Y’know with it’s low score and all? I do. Do you like to see a great pitchers duel, with the home team winning 2-1 in ten innings and where players spent 90% of their time in a perfectly stationary position? Again, I do.

          Having been born in the WI and now living overseas, I understand from personal experience that soccer is an acquired taste. But I do genuinely love the game, and more an more as I understand it better. And I also agree that there are a bunch of snooty, pain-in-the-butt “soccer snobs” who act as if those who don’t like soccer are barbarians. Personally, I don’t give an ounce of bat crap if other people like it or not.

          • BradHTX

            Wow, I feel so honored to have finally joined the ranks of the “Comment hidden due to low rating” crowd. Maybe I should be negative more often!

            I actually did watch two Stanley cup finals games this year, but only because a friend is a fan and wanted to watch. You’re right, hockey and soccer have a lot of similarities. To me, both are mildly interesting to watch on occasion.

            And neither will ever achieve first tier sport status in the US. They will remain #4a and #4b behind the NFL, NBA and MLB.

            • Adam Czech

              Coulter’s piece was not satire. She may claim it was now that she realizes how dumb she sounded, but it was not satire.

              It’s not the amount of scoring I care about in sporting events, it’s the scoring opportunities. Who cares if a game ends up 1-0 as long as there were a lot of scoring chances and legitimate moments where you were on edge about something happening.

              Soccer doesn’t have enough of those moments for me, but that could be changing with this World Cup. The handful of games I’ve watched have been very exciting.

              • marpag

                There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s totally, 100% satire, designed to push your buttons. And in this case, it seems to have worked.

                When the very beginning of the article says, “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay,” do you really think that she’s being completely serious? Sorry, I won’t buy that in a million years, and I am certainly no apologist for Ann Coulter.

                It illustrates why writers should just say no to satire. In order to be GOOD satire, it has to be at least a teensy bit believable. But that’s an awfully hard line to walk. If it is a bit TOO believeable, then your enemies – who already think that you’re an idiot – will use it to show that you have lost all touch with reality. And when that happens, you’re screwed, as Coulter is now. She can say, “You don’t really think I’m that stupid, do you?” And they will answer… “Yes, we do.”

                I didn’t say it was GOOD satire. But it was intended to be satire, and it blew up in her face.

                Just as an aside, about half of Coulter’s schtick was blatantly plagiarized from Dan Shaughnessey at the Boston Globe.

                http://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/2014/06/21/soccer-doesn-get-kick-out/uTIF1VQ8QHOpfDyWI0W4KK/story.html

  • Tim

    Nice! Free beer night on Brett wouldn’t be a bad way to win back some fans hearts. Never mind the erratic play toward the end, bone-headed Interceptions, booze and drugs, and yearly retirements, i think most abandoned him because, by the end they got the feeling he was an egotistic, self- serving, me-first jerk. The round of beers that Brett Favre bought- I’d even keep the cup. A free beer might make it all better, at least for me.

  • WKUPackFan

    A wrestling fan who supports corn growers?! You’re the top Adam.

  • dobber

    ” “I’ll run the ball as if it’s my last play,” he says. Man, I can’t wait for football to start and Lacy to start trucking guys.”

    Would not be at all surprised if Lacy gets very few game snaps in the preseason.

  • LyerlaStoleMyBike

    Funny story — good work. And I agree that Ann Coulter is terrible and should be buried in Favre’s beard. Not a huge fan of soccer but GO USA!

    • BradHTX

      Now THAT is a classic nickname. Well done, sir!

  • summerwood

    Your comments on Ann Coulter…spoken like a true Liberal…you need to write for slate mag. Bitch about other writers when you do the same

    • Al Borland’s Beard

      It doesn’t take a liberal or a conservative to see bad writing. Nice partisan politics, though.

      • http://www.lyrictrumpet.com Bearmeat

        I would classify myself as a conservative in today’s national political landscape.

        She’s really smart at getting website hits and listening fans (and haters) really angry (thus increasing the likelihood that they’ll tune in again.

        But I think Ann Coulter is awful. Not beneficial for anyone except Ann Coulter.

  • http://www.lyrictrumpet.com Bearmeat

    Thanks for this Adam. That post was hilarious.