A Glimpse Inside the Packers’ Locker Room Before the Vikings Game

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The Green Bay Packers travel to Minnesota to play the Vikings on Sunday. Even though the Vikings are fading fast, Sunday is still a huge game. This is how I envision the Packers’ locker room before they take the field.

Kevin Greene: Alright men, listen up!

Mike McCarthy: Fellas, I don’t care what the Vikings’ record is, this is our biggest game of the season. This game will…wait a minute. Dammit Howard! Put down that donut! You can eat all you want after the game!

Howard Green: Sorry coach.

Mike McCarthy: Let’s focus! The Minnesota Vikings want to be like the Green Bay Packers. They want our history. They want our tradition. They want our national recognition. The Vikings want to be like us so badly, they went and signed the modern face of our franchise. For a while, it looked like these purple people might be on to something. They put together a magical season that almost resulted in a Super Bowl appearance. Hopes were high. People were excited. It was all so special that the quarterback even decided to come back again.

A creaking noise interrupts McCarthy’s speech.

McCarthy: What was that?

Chad Clifton: Sorry coach. That was my knees.

McCarthy:Well, oil them babies up, Cliffy! We can’t let Jared Allen get 37 sacks against us again!

Mark Tauscher brings an oil can to Clifton.

McCarthy:Thanks Tausch. I knew we kept you around for a reason. Now where was I?

Kevin Greene: You were talking about the Vikings, coach.

McCarthy: Oh yeah, that’s right. Men, today is our opportunity to once again press the reset button on the Vikings’ quest for relevancy. No matter how hard the Vikings try, they have never approached the Packers’ level of greatness. They have never even gotten close. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that last year was painful. It looked like the Vikings were starting to climb the mountain. Hell, you could even say they made it up the mountain a ways. But they’ve fallen most of the way back down. If we win today, it means that we have officially knocked them all the way back down – back down to rock bottom – right where they belong.

The entire locker room erupts in cheers and chest pounding. Clay Matthews headbutts his locker and destroys it. BJ Raji picks up the trainer’s table and throws it through a wall. Aaron Rodgers stands on a bench and starts doing his title belt celebration.

McCarthy: One more thing before we go out there and kick some ass: Beating the Vikings will be great, everyone in this room knows that. But lets not forget the significance of beating Favre today and officially closing that chapter of Packers’ history. Not too far in the distant future, No. 4 will walk to the middle of Lambeau Field and have his number retired. All of Wisconsin will stand up and cheer. I’ll stand up and cheer. Even Ted might stand up and cheer.

Charles Woodson: No he won’t.

McCarthy:Yeah, you’re probably right, Chuck. But I digress. Right now, the future means nothing. Right now, Brett Favre is a traitor. He’s a manipulating, kniving, drama queen S.O.B. that signed with the Vikings for the sole purpose of beating the Packers and damaging our franchise. By doing this, he insulted everyone in this room. He insulted the entire Packers franchise. And most importantly, he insulted Packers fans. To top it all off, we’ve had to look at pictures of his weiner for the last three months.

Charlie Peprah:I made Favre’s weiner the wallpaper on Bulaga’s laptop. Haha!

McCarthy: Charlie, that’s not funny. It also won’t be funny if we let Favre beat us three times in four years. I know we’re all proud of the way we’ve overcome injuries this season. But now is not the time to start patting ourselves on the back. Now is the time to get mean. It’s time to get nasty. You owe it to yourselves, to past Packers players, and to Packers fans to dominate today. Today is the day where the football world officially returns back to normal. Today is the day where the pecking order is restored. Today is the day the Vikings officially become terrible again.

More screaming. More chest pounding. Desmond Bishop starts eating nails. Nick Collins breaks a brick over his head while screaming that he is a pro bowler. Matt Flynn gets scared and hides in the closet. Ryan Picket takes a few Vikings fans hostage.

The Packers storm the Metrodome turf and beat the Vikings 127-3. Brett Favre throws 13 interceptions and the Packers return seven for touchdowns. Brad Childress is fired after the opening kickoff. Rodgers spends the entire second half standing at midfield doing his title belt celebration. Rodgers hooks up with Jenn Sterger after the game.

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Adam Czech is a freelance reporter and a Packers fan living in the Twin Cities. Follow Adam on Twitter. Read more of Adam\\\'s writing on the Packers here.

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  • john

    Al, your ill, and I LOVE IT!!!!!

    • http://allgbp.com Jersey Al

      This was Adam’s, but I agree – funny stuff!

  • http://purplepantsgreenjersey.com Max

    There is no doubt in my mind that Desmond Bishop actually does eat nails.

  • JimR_in_DC

    Adam, you’re hilarious!

  • Kdawg

    That was awesome!! LOL

  • Taryn

    I would envision A-Rod flipping her off after she requests a Photo Text.But LOL and very well done.

  • http://allgbp.com Jersey Al

    “Matt Flynn gets scared and hides in the closet.” hahahaha….

  • http://httl bill from jersey

    touche….great read

  • Chad Toporski

    Great stuff, Adam!!

    My favorite line:

    “Rodgers spends the entire second half standing at midfield doing his title belt celebration.”

  • Adam Czech

    Thanks for reading. Sometimes I wonder if the thoughts inside my head are amusing to anyone elese besides me. I’ll get serious again after Sunday’s game. Unless the Packers lose, then I will get angry and depressed.

  • Justin DiBonaventura

    Adam, you have to do another one of these soon. I was in tears from laughing!

  • Ron LC

    Thanks Adam, I needed that.

  • PackersRS

    Oh. Awesome!
    Not enough fundamentahls and pad levels though.

    Now, if only this could come true, like KSK Rex Ryan has… (used to hate Rex Ryan, now wants him to be life coach, thinks would be much more sucessful…)